I'm on your front lawn,
head between my knees,
whispering prayers into the soil
that's been scuffed up by my
pacing feet -- It's been hours, now
and three feet down the road
a worm has shriveled to the concrete.
"You're good people, girl."
My name has been scattered
all over this town, strumming acoustics
in quiet corners, down courts and
buried in commonspots of forests.
I let each letter be, leaving them
unowned by me. In these hours,
I feel more real as I'm nameless:
though still as subject to blame,
pain, and other games --
Aware the world can turn without me,
aware I turn without the world;
the worm has slivered into the grasses
and Jesus has risen three days
ahead of schedule,
like the baby born
in your morning dew.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Back with a critique, however pathetic. *is not an un-critting loser*
Hours since what?Also, I do believe the "it's" shouldn't be capitalized; it is still part of the sentence. You might consider breaking that first sentence up into two, so that the whole stanza reads:
I'm on your front lawn,
head between my knees,
whispering prayers into the soil
that's been scuffed up by my
pacing feet. It's been hours, now
and three feet down the road
a worm has shriveled to the concrete.
I think it sounds just as good, if not better, that way.
What is the significance of the name for this poem? I'd really like to see you go into that more. What is the significance of it being "buried"?
Awkward phrasing. I'd make some small changes so that it looks something like this:
I let each letter be, leaving each
unowned by me. In these hours,
I feel more real because I'm nameless:
but still subject to blame,
pain, and other games --
^^Very well done.
This poem makes me happy in a very deep and philosophical sort of way.
Colleen
I really loved this poem, though I do agree that the line ["You're good people, girl."] is out of place, it is unexplained.
One of the few sugestions that I can think to give in order to improve the overall feel of the poem would be to make the whole thing a little more uniform. What I mean by this is that seperately all three stanzas are fantastic, however they do not fit together perfectly. The first stanza sounds a lot more like prose than the other two. I don't like to think of the first stanza being changed, because I really think its great, but if you could just make it fit with the rest of your poem it would be that much better.
Love the poem, keep writing!
-Gen
Wow. Nice.
^^I just wanted to say that. I hope to return later with a critique.
Colleen
Nice and adequate. You have some nice descriptions allthough I'd rather see this poem in a second person form rather than in a first person form.
To me this line seems so "out of the nowhere". Surely I understand what you mean but it pops out so incoherently, asif there was no warning it would be there.
Again, I'm most likely able to understand what you are telling here but I'm afraid that it is the construction which bothers me. A suggestion would be;
I feel more real as I'm nameless:
though still as subject to blame,
pain, and other games --
Your last stanza was impressive, especially the last 2 lines
Well I must say I had a pleasant read on this Friday before Easter
Cheerios, Chandni